I am the keeper of my own heart.

First off, lemme start this one by sending out a great big, Rick Ross sized shout out to my BFF on her birthday. Wishing you all the love, peace, success, and Louboutins you can stand, girl...today and always.

My horoscope for today:
Tuesday, Dec 23rd, 2008 -- The boundary between friendship and romance can be a delicate one. Even if you are not seeking anything more, you can benefit from staying in touch with your emotions. It's not about taking any specific action or trying to attain love. The current lesson is about allowing yourself to fully experience the desires of your heart without making anyone responsible for your happiness.

Imagine my shock when I read this early this morning. It completely sums up the battle I have been having lately, and even the stars are with me. Just feel what the fuck you feel, and be confident that you can handle it. I don't need to be co-signed, just understood, and maybe not even that. Is it "easy", or "clean" for energy to be reciprocated? Of course. But I have learned that some of the greatest lessons come from things being far from perfect.

This whole year has been one in which I was forced to develop confidence. I was afraid to live alone, didn't think I could "make it", afraid to be single, although I already was. In many ways, afraid of being free. At first, I thought free meant being unclaimed, not wanted...

This morning, 365 days to the day that I realized my last relationship was doomed, I stood before the mirror a new(er) woman. I stood infinitely more confident than I felt last year, having experienced more in one year that in the last 5 combined. More emotionally stable, more sincere in my belief in myself, more... just more. In every way, both good and bad, but pleased with who and what I bring to the table.

Funny shit is, I even had a cordial and pleasing conversation with my son's dad today. I was surprised to feel... nothing. No pang of "I miss what we had", like I did so many times before, but a real hope that at some point, we could be friends and real partners in raising our boy. For the first time, I realized "this mofo will miss me and my talkative, excited for no reason ass". For so long, I was focused on what I had missed, I was too busy seeing that someone could be missing me too!

Today, I stood before the mirror a woman in progress, moving forward, understanding and valuing her blessings, knowing that although I fuck up a lot, my son still loves me, and is riding with me, and most importantly, NOT paralyzed by fear the way I was a year ago.

I have learned that life is not always fair, or fun, but the highs can be so high. Although I swore not to mention him again, I can also be fearless in saying that yes, I like my friend, and he knows it. I say it with no disclaimers, and no expectations. It would be nice and clean and simple to have my feelings reciprocated, but if they are not, it's ok. It is his choice, and he is entitled to feel any way he wants. His feelings have no bearings on mine. I will not be mad at myself anymore. I enjoy what we have, and am happy to have experienced it. The beauty of how I feel abt him is that...I FEEL!!!! I thought my feelings were numb, that I'd never like anyone again. Who knew? The heart is miraculous!

In this new year, I will stop feeling guilty, and extract all the joy I can from life, because when bad shit happens, it don't wait for you to be ready. I am the keeper of my own heart. How exciting it is to be able to see possibilty instead of gloom, to see the glass half full after so long of seeing it as half empty!!!!! Today, I take back the reins. I release my ex of the burden of making me unhappy. I gave him 52 weeks, and guess what, just like in Monopoly, I went around the board once. You can come on outta jail, buddy. This does not mean we won't have our issues, but I am getting out of the "victim" box. Ultimately, we can both come outta jail.

I am the keeper of my own heart. I am the captain of this mothafuckin ship, and I LIKE being in charge! I'm the Queen of my world!!!!!!