I saw a psychic.
Desperation to retain sanity will make you do strange things. It will make you think that your issues, your experiences will be worth reading to others (hence this blog), and they will make you do stupid shit like key cars, spend money you don’t have and… see a psychic.
I haven’t written anything besides random scraps of paper for a few months now, because I was so overwhelmed with what was going on, that I did not want to live it twice. I wanted to forget my current experience, and just got too lazy, too bored, too scared to write it down.
The last time I wrote, I let out a stream of anger toward my friend, but was too much of a punk to call him on it in person. I was mad at myself for feeling as played as I did, and mad at him for doing it. Now, it just is. I am not mad, I just realize that despite your best efforts, people will not always see you in a way that is acceptable to you, and that is their right, just as it is my right to expect to be treated a certain way.
What I have also learned is that wanting to do something is not as easy as doing it. UNDERSTAMENT of a life, I know… LOL! Seriously. While I am proud of myself for eventually telling him how I felt, (and it was HARD – so HARD) I do miss our friendship. There have been times when I want to call him about something funny – we had mad jokes, then I’m like, nah… *insert deep sigh here*
So life has been moving on in a way that makes me feel as if I am in a dimension being run by somebody else. I felt like Jill Scott said in “Love Rain” (which is my favorite of her songs, by the way): You broke me but I’m healing…. (and I meant this abt my baby daddy – NOT abt the friend. He cut me deep, but didn’t leave a broken mess of Eve) Then this week came the true test: My baby daddy told me his girl is pregnant. Oh. MY. GOD.
I sobbed like… well, let’s just say I sobbed. And real talk, I am devastated by this news. Not because I want him or any more of his babies, but because…damn. In my heart, I know this has nothing to do with me. People have sex, people make babies…Shit happens. But in my heart? Ay dios mio!!!!! I feel as if he got his family while I’m still scrambling, I worry abt how this will affect my baby, how it will affect his ability to parent my son…. Man, listen. After he told me, I literally could not speak anymore. And ANYONE, and I mean anyone, who knows me knows it is impossible to render me speechless.
But I was. And hurt and confused enough to send me to a psychic who I hoped could see my pain in the cards, who might be able to tell me something abt what to expect, cause I was afraid to get out the bed for fear some new shit would be thrown at me.
So what do I do? I called my mami. I needed her comfort and guidance and for her to tell me “butch up! Life does not stop because some man did some stupid shit”. But my mom has dementia, and before I could sob the story to her, she asked abt him, and I had to explain that I had moved out, that he lived with her and that she was pregnant. And she said “oh no!!!!” Then 30 seconds later, she asked for him again. And before a fresh round of tears could fall, for me, for her memory, for my son never being able to know his Abuela the way I did. I got off the phone. And realized at that very moment that I am a woman, and I will not lose.
In the past year I lost my family, my home, my love, lots of my self-esteem, and I have been working hard to get it back, to feel like ME again. This is an emotional setback, but I dust myself off, get back on my own path, and make it happen for me and my boy.
And that is the bad news…. I AM, after all, EVE, every woman…and life can’t possibly be ALL bad, right? So here is a tidbit of news: I went on a date!!!!!! My first, real live date in 6 years. I had a blast!!!!! This Mr. Mention is a bit older than I am used to, he is 42. He invited me to brunch, and then we headed to the movies to see The Hangover. That shit is FUNNY!!!!!!! It was nice to have a man want me in THAT way, I was all confused, didn’t know how to act, or what to wear, but a sista worked it out, and we’ll be going out again. ;0) Owwww!!!!! I have been so horny lately that I was like hmm… the possibility of having sex again is on the horizon, but it’s amazing what catching a sale on batteries will do for you!! LOL!
Seriously, I want to have sex, but I am generally selective about who I give it up to, and that is a trend I must continue….
On the most important front, My son, he is GREAT! Told me the other day his favorite song is “Birthday Text”. In fact, he knew the song before I did. One day, he was like “mommy: girl, you know I,I,I,I,I,I,I,I…” LMAO!!!! I love him, respect him, and value him.
And on another front, big tings a gwan for me in a few months…I have a few irons in the fire right now….and if they all work out the way I am praying to God, Allah, the Buddha and everyone else up there to – it will be a life changing situation for me and my prince. Pray for me!!!!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Guess who's bizzack?!?!?
Back on the block.... etc. etc.
I was surprised as hell to see that the last blog I posted was on 12/23 of 08!!!!!!!!!!! Dayum, son! It wasn't because I wasn't writing, because I was, I was just trying to figure things out in my private world...to just be. Plus, honestly,I was bullshittin. It's crazy how despite the best of intentions, shit can change. Like, some days I'd be like "Imma make dinner, work out, put the kid to bed, then post a blog, and one thing would lead to another and next thing you know, four months have gone by without me posting.
I am now 34 years old. WOW!
Real talk, I wanted to post, but somewhere around February, things started getting tough for a sista and I had to retreat deep inside myself to go to that EXTRA place of energy. You know that lint filled, IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS place of energy and sanity? Well yeah... I have lived there for a few months now, and shit started getting so bad I was googling symptoms of heart attack. A few weeks ago I was diagnosed as being severely depressed. Ain't that some shit?!?!?! ME. MOI. If you know me, you know that it seems unlikely, but real talk, life is tough right now. I've had to clutch the pearls a few times in the last few just to be able to go from Monday to Tuesday.
What's good is my baby - he is 4 now, 4 going on 24. *deep sigh * I love my little man, even if now he is on some "I miss my Daddy" shit when he either gets in from Daddy's, gets in trouble, or feels whiny. It's a real challenge having to hit him with the "Daddy has to work, Daddy loves you, or it's ok ,honey...I understand. " Because it's not. A year later, it's still fucking not right, and if one more person tells me "well, you just have to deal with it", Imma be on the fucking news. One thing I have learned is that you can't expect people who have not been in your situation to understand what you are going through. Not really. And its ok. If I was with a whole set of bitches that felt like me, we might have pulled a Jim Jones and drank some laced KoolAid.
It's really hard to describe how I feel without making it seem as if I am still harboring some romantic feelings about my Baby Daddy (BD). It's SO not that. I just hate how he acts. Just real stank and always trying to push his chick in my face. We ain't friends, we won't be and just leave it at that! This morning I had a dream that I let a man in my apt, and for some reason, he knew his way around. So I leave him to walk around and something told me to pick up a hammer. Well, I turn the corner, and this mofo threw an ax at my head! The craziest thing is that before I went to sleep I had asked the man upstairs (GOD, not the bitchass Mexican in apt 22) to give me some guidance, and what came to me was "don't let him back inside your crib". To dream that someone was trying to decapitate my ass was a bit much. Happy Monday to me.
Then, to add insult to the injury, Dude started to act weird. Yes. That Dude. The one I wrote about, my boy... uh huh... him. He really pulled a number on a sista too. He hurt my heart so bad I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I feel and felt dissed and disrespected as a woman and as his friend. What's craziest is that even after I "confronted" him about it - I am sooo bad at that, it took me a while to realize he never said "I'm sorry". He acknowledged wrongdoing, but never said what I needed to hear to feel as if he understood me. After it was all said and done, I apologized, but what I got was "I should have handled the situation better". Then I guess he wanted to throw me a bone, so it was "we can still talk". Umm...really? Gee, thanks. Did I come across so desperate?
This shit with ole boy hurts because I was a good - no, fuck that, great friend to him while he went through some shit. I was always "you are great", "don't get down on yourself", etc. etc. and when he had an opportunity to reciprocate, he chose not to. Shit that was important to me, he went above and beyond the call of duty to make sure he was distant. At the time, I felt it, but thought it was because he was sad/mad/depressed, and he wasn't himself. Imagine my surprise, shock and dismay when within weeks of his situation improving, he pulls a 180, and all of a sudden, says that he knew how I felt and didn't reciprocate, so he felt weird. Word? Woooow! When he was holed up in your crib, miserable as shit, I didn't see or hear about anyone else around,and this fucker was in constant contact. Hot tub @ his parent's? Call E.. What tie should I wear for the interview? Lemme call E. On my way home from the club and probably need to stay awake? E. Dick hard and need a li'l phone sex fix?E.
The crazy shit is that my girls were initially like "make sure he is not using you". And I was so defensive of him. "Dude?!??! Girl, you crazy! He would never do that - he doesn't have a single bone in his body like that - you got that wrong." It got so bad that when shit went down, I was embarrassed to tell my BFF for fear that she would say "I told you so".
What makes me feel stupidest is that this is kinda the second time we been through some shit like this. The first time, I was younger, and immature, and felt judged by him - I thought he felt I wasn't good enough for him, and despite what he says now, it showed in the way he treated me. I ate that, but somewhere deep inside, felt as if he looked down on me.
Now I see it must be that.
It's as if he was only my friend while his shit was fucked up and when the skies got brighter, he got to stop slumming. I know this to be true because even after I told him how I felt, the impression I got for his response was "well, too bad". Like, can a sista get an ecard, a phone call addressing the situation that I didn't initiate? It has let me speechless, the speed with which people can change.
This time around, I am more mature, and thought I was dealing with stuff differently. I knew I had a crush and didn't deny it, but wasn't sure what I want(ed) from him or anyone. I listened to him tell me about dates, gave advice, and didn't let how I felt influence what I said. I never once judged him, and was super supportive... I am just stunned and so hurt.
It's funny how money changes situations...
I was surprised as hell to see that the last blog I posted was on 12/23 of 08!!!!!!!!!!! Dayum, son! It wasn't because I wasn't writing, because I was, I was just trying to figure things out in my private world...to just be. Plus, honestly,I was bullshittin. It's crazy how despite the best of intentions, shit can change. Like, some days I'd be like "Imma make dinner, work out, put the kid to bed, then post a blog, and one thing would lead to another and next thing you know, four months have gone by without me posting.
I am now 34 years old. WOW!
Real talk, I wanted to post, but somewhere around February, things started getting tough for a sista and I had to retreat deep inside myself to go to that EXTRA place of energy. You know that lint filled, IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS place of energy and sanity? Well yeah... I have lived there for a few months now, and shit started getting so bad I was googling symptoms of heart attack. A few weeks ago I was diagnosed as being severely depressed. Ain't that some shit?!?!?! ME. MOI. If you know me, you know that it seems unlikely, but real talk, life is tough right now. I've had to clutch the pearls a few times in the last few just to be able to go from Monday to Tuesday.
What's good is my baby - he is 4 now, 4 going on 24. *deep sigh * I love my little man, even if now he is on some "I miss my Daddy" shit when he either gets in from Daddy's, gets in trouble, or feels whiny. It's a real challenge having to hit him with the "Daddy has to work, Daddy loves you, or it's ok ,honey...I understand. " Because it's not. A year later, it's still fucking not right, and if one more person tells me "well, you just have to deal with it", Imma be on the fucking news. One thing I have learned is that you can't expect people who have not been in your situation to understand what you are going through. Not really. And its ok. If I was with a whole set of bitches that felt like me, we might have pulled a Jim Jones and drank some laced KoolAid.
It's really hard to describe how I feel without making it seem as if I am still harboring some romantic feelings about my Baby Daddy (BD). It's SO not that. I just hate how he acts. Just real stank and always trying to push his chick in my face. We ain't friends, we won't be and just leave it at that! This morning I had a dream that I let a man in my apt, and for some reason, he knew his way around. So I leave him to walk around and something told me to pick up a hammer. Well, I turn the corner, and this mofo threw an ax at my head! The craziest thing is that before I went to sleep I had asked the man upstairs (GOD, not the bitchass Mexican in apt 22) to give me some guidance, and what came to me was "don't let him back inside your crib". To dream that someone was trying to decapitate my ass was a bit much. Happy Monday to me.
Then, to add insult to the injury, Dude started to act weird. Yes. That Dude. The one I wrote about, my boy... uh huh... him. He really pulled a number on a sista too. He hurt my heart so bad I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I feel and felt dissed and disrespected as a woman and as his friend. What's craziest is that even after I "confronted" him about it - I am sooo bad at that, it took me a while to realize he never said "I'm sorry". He acknowledged wrongdoing, but never said what I needed to hear to feel as if he understood me. After it was all said and done, I apologized, but what I got was "I should have handled the situation better". Then I guess he wanted to throw me a bone, so it was "we can still talk". Umm...really? Gee, thanks. Did I come across so desperate?
This shit with ole boy hurts because I was a good - no, fuck that, great friend to him while he went through some shit. I was always "you are great", "don't get down on yourself", etc. etc. and when he had an opportunity to reciprocate, he chose not to. Shit that was important to me, he went above and beyond the call of duty to make sure he was distant. At the time, I felt it, but thought it was because he was sad/mad/depressed, and he wasn't himself. Imagine my surprise, shock and dismay when within weeks of his situation improving, he pulls a 180, and all of a sudden, says that he knew how I felt and didn't reciprocate, so he felt weird. Word? Woooow! When he was holed up in your crib, miserable as shit, I didn't see or hear about anyone else around,and this fucker was in constant contact. Hot tub @ his parent's? Call E.. What tie should I wear for the interview? Lemme call E. On my way home from the club and probably need to stay awake? E. Dick hard and need a li'l phone sex fix?E.
The crazy shit is that my girls were initially like "make sure he is not using you". And I was so defensive of him. "Dude?!??! Girl, you crazy! He would never do that - he doesn't have a single bone in his body like that - you got that wrong." It got so bad that when shit went down, I was embarrassed to tell my BFF for fear that she would say "I told you so".
What makes me feel stupidest is that this is kinda the second time we been through some shit like this. The first time, I was younger, and immature, and felt judged by him - I thought he felt I wasn't good enough for him, and despite what he says now, it showed in the way he treated me. I ate that, but somewhere deep inside, felt as if he looked down on me.
Now I see it must be that.
It's as if he was only my friend while his shit was fucked up and when the skies got brighter, he got to stop slumming. I know this to be true because even after I told him how I felt, the impression I got for his response was "well, too bad". Like, can a sista get an ecard, a phone call addressing the situation that I didn't initiate? It has let me speechless, the speed with which people can change.
This time around, I am more mature, and thought I was dealing with stuff differently. I knew I had a crush and didn't deny it, but wasn't sure what I want(ed) from him or anyone. I listened to him tell me about dates, gave advice, and didn't let how I felt influence what I said. I never once judged him, and was super supportive... I am just stunned and so hurt.
It's funny how money changes situations...
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