Guess who's bizzack?!?!?

Back on the block.... etc. etc.
I was surprised as hell to see that the last blog I posted was on 12/23 of 08!!!!!!!!!!! Dayum, son! It wasn't because I wasn't writing, because I was, I was just trying to figure things out in my private world...to just be. Plus, honestly,I was bullshittin. It's crazy how despite the best of intentions, shit can change. Like, some days I'd be like "Imma make dinner, work out, put the kid to bed, then post a blog, and one thing would lead to another and next thing you know, four months have gone by without me posting.

I am now 34 years old. WOW!

Real talk, I wanted to post, but somewhere around February, things started getting tough for a sista and I had to retreat deep inside myself to go to that EXTRA place of energy. You know that lint filled, IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS place of energy and sanity? Well yeah... I have lived there for a few months now, and shit started getting so bad I was googling symptoms of heart attack. A few weeks ago I was diagnosed as being severely depressed. Ain't that some shit?!?!?! ME. MOI. If you know me, you know that it seems unlikely, but real talk, life is tough right now. I've had to clutch the pearls a few times in the last few just to be able to go from Monday to Tuesday.

What's good is my baby - he is 4 now, 4 going on 24. *deep sigh * I love my little man, even if now he is on some "I miss my Daddy" shit when he either gets in from Daddy's, gets in trouble, or feels whiny. It's a real challenge having to hit him with the "Daddy has to work, Daddy loves you, or it's ok ,honey...I understand. " Because it's not. A year later, it's still fucking not right, and if one more person tells me "well, you just have to deal with it", Imma be on the fucking news. One thing I have learned is that you can't expect people who have not been in your situation to understand what you are going through. Not really. And its ok. If I was with a whole set of bitches that felt like me, we might have pulled a Jim Jones and drank some laced KoolAid.
It's really hard to describe how I feel without making it seem as if I am still harboring some romantic feelings about my Baby Daddy (BD). It's SO not that. I just hate how he acts. Just real stank and always trying to push his chick in my face. We ain't friends, we won't be and just leave it at that! This morning I had a dream that I let a man in my apt, and for some reason, he knew his way around. So I leave him to walk around and something told me to pick up a hammer. Well, I turn the corner, and this mofo threw an ax at my head! The craziest thing is that before I went to sleep I had asked the man upstairs (GOD, not the bitchass Mexican in apt 22) to give me some guidance, and what came to me was "don't let him back inside your crib". To dream that someone was trying to decapitate my ass was a bit much. Happy Monday to me.

Then, to add insult to the injury, Dude started to act weird. Yes. That Dude. The one I wrote about, my boy... uh huh... him. He really pulled a number on a sista too. He hurt my heart so bad I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I feel and felt dissed and disrespected as a woman and as his friend. What's craziest is that even after I "confronted" him about it - I am sooo bad at that, it took me a while to realize he never said "I'm sorry". He acknowledged wrongdoing, but never said what I needed to hear to feel as if he understood me. After it was all said and done, I apologized, but what I got was "I should have handled the situation better". Then I guess he wanted to throw me a bone, so it was "we can still talk". Umm...really? Gee, thanks. Did I come across so desperate?
This shit with ole boy hurts because I was a good - no, fuck that, great friend to him while he went through some shit. I was always "you are great", "don't get down on yourself", etc. etc. and when he had an opportunity to reciprocate, he chose not to. Shit that was important to me, he went above and beyond the call of duty to make sure he was distant. At the time, I felt it, but thought it was because he was sad/mad/depressed, and he wasn't himself. Imagine my surprise, shock and dismay when within weeks of his situation improving, he pulls a 180, and all of a sudden, says that he knew how I felt and didn't reciprocate, so he felt weird. Word? Woooow! When he was holed up in your crib, miserable as shit, I didn't see or hear about anyone else around,and this fucker was in constant contact. Hot tub @ his parent's? Call E.. What tie should I wear for the interview? Lemme call E. On my way home from the club and probably need to stay awake? E. Dick hard and need a li'l phone sex fix?E.
The crazy shit is that my girls were initially like "make sure he is not using you". And I was so defensive of him. "Dude?!??! Girl, you crazy! He would never do that - he doesn't have a single bone in his body like that - you got that wrong." It got so bad that when shit went down, I was embarrassed to tell my BFF for fear that she would say "I told you so".

What makes me feel stupidest is that this is kinda the second time we been through some shit like this. The first time, I was younger, and immature, and felt judged by him - I thought he felt I wasn't good enough for him, and despite what he says now, it showed in the way he treated me. I ate that, but somewhere deep inside, felt as if he looked down on me.
Now I see it must be that.
It's as if he was only my friend while his shit was fucked up and when the skies got brighter, he got to stop slumming. I know this to be true because even after I told him how I felt, the impression I got for his response was "well, too bad". Like, can a sista get an ecard, a phone call addressing the situation that I didn't initiate? It has let me speechless, the speed with which people can change.
This time around, I am more mature, and thought I was dealing with stuff differently. I knew I had a crush and didn't deny it, but wasn't sure what I want(ed) from him or anyone. I listened to him tell me about dates, gave advice, and didn't let how I felt influence what I said. I never once judged him, and was super supportive... I am just stunned and so hurt.

It's funny how money changes situations...