I saw a psychic.
Desperation to retain sanity will make you do strange things. It will make you think that your issues, your experiences will be worth reading to others (hence this blog), and they will make you do stupid shit like key cars, spend money you don’t have and… see a psychic.
I haven’t written anything besides random scraps of paper for a few months now, because I was so overwhelmed with what was going on, that I did not want to live it twice. I wanted to forget my current experience, and just got too lazy, too bored, too scared to write it down.
The last time I wrote, I let out a stream of anger toward my friend, but was too much of a punk to call him on it in person. I was mad at myself for feeling as played as I did, and mad at him for doing it. Now, it just is. I am not mad, I just realize that despite your best efforts, people will not always see you in a way that is acceptable to you, and that is their right, just as it is my right to expect to be treated a certain way.
What I have also learned is that wanting to do something is not as easy as doing it. UNDERSTAMENT of a life, I know… LOL! Seriously. While I am proud of myself for eventually telling him how I felt, (and it was HARD – so HARD) I do miss our friendship. There have been times when I want to call him about something funny – we had mad jokes, then I’m like, nah… *insert deep sigh here*
So life has been moving on in a way that makes me feel as if I am in a dimension being run by somebody else. I felt like Jill Scott said in “Love Rain” (which is my favorite of her songs, by the way): You broke me but I’m healing…. (and I meant this abt my baby daddy – NOT abt the friend. He cut me deep, but didn’t leave a broken mess of Eve) Then this week came the true test: My baby daddy told me his girl is pregnant. Oh. MY. GOD.
I sobbed like… well, let’s just say I sobbed. And real talk, I am devastated by this news. Not because I want him or any more of his babies, but because…damn. In my heart, I know this has nothing to do with me. People have sex, people make babies…Shit happens. But in my heart? Ay dios mio!!!!! I feel as if he got his family while I’m still scrambling, I worry abt how this will affect my baby, how it will affect his ability to parent my son…. Man, listen. After he told me, I literally could not speak anymore. And ANYONE, and I mean anyone, who knows me knows it is impossible to render me speechless.
But I was. And hurt and confused enough to send me to a psychic who I hoped could see my pain in the cards, who might be able to tell me something abt what to expect, cause I was afraid to get out the bed for fear some new shit would be thrown at me.
So what do I do? I called my mami. I needed her comfort and guidance and for her to tell me “butch up! Life does not stop because some man did some stupid shit”. But my mom has dementia, and before I could sob the story to her, she asked abt him, and I had to explain that I had moved out, that he lived with her and that she was pregnant. And she said “oh no!!!!” Then 30 seconds later, she asked for him again. And before a fresh round of tears could fall, for me, for her memory, for my son never being able to know his Abuela the way I did. I got off the phone. And realized at that very moment that I am a woman, and I will not lose.
In the past year I lost my family, my home, my love, lots of my self-esteem, and I have been working hard to get it back, to feel like ME again. This is an emotional setback, but I dust myself off, get back on my own path, and make it happen for me and my boy.
And that is the bad news…. I AM, after all, EVE, every woman…and life can’t possibly be ALL bad, right? So here is a tidbit of news: I went on a date!!!!!! My first, real live date in 6 years. I had a blast!!!!! This Mr. Mention is a bit older than I am used to, he is 42. He invited me to brunch, and then we headed to the movies to see The Hangover. That shit is FUNNY!!!!!!! It was nice to have a man want me in THAT way, I was all confused, didn’t know how to act, or what to wear, but a sista worked it out, and we’ll be going out again. ;0) Owwww!!!!! I have been so horny lately that I was like hmm… the possibility of having sex again is on the horizon, but it’s amazing what catching a sale on batteries will do for you!! LOL!
Seriously, I want to have sex, but I am generally selective about who I give it up to, and that is a trend I must continue….
On the most important front, My son, he is GREAT! Told me the other day his favorite song is “Birthday Text”. In fact, he knew the song before I did. One day, he was like “mommy: girl, you know I,I,I,I,I,I,I,I…” LMAO!!!! I love him, respect him, and value him.
And on another front, big tings a gwan for me in a few months…I have a few irons in the fire right now….and if they all work out the way I am praying to God, Allah, the Buddha and everyone else up there to – it will be a life changing situation for me and my prince. Pray for me!!!!