So...For those that know me, they know that I am frequently referred to as "Tommy", as in the character from MARTIN who "didn't have no job...". I like doing work that requires a lot of effort for a little bit of time. I like starting new programs, and being able to to move on once a program is established.
Being still is hard for me.
I like energy, making plans and seeing how they work... I love newness.
As a result, I haven't had one full-time job in years (have had 2 or 3 p/t and consultant gigs and stayed busy, but not 1). At least not one that required me to sit somewhere for the day, looking @ the computer screen... and I was jealous of folks who had that.
With all the isht going on in my life, I wanted a job that would not require me to think of anything new. I want systems in place, I want to log in and start doing what I need to do for the day, I want to pick up my tote at 5pm, say bye to the person in the next cube, and go pick up my son.
Or so I thought.
I am doing a temp project at a hospital, and fortunately AND unfortunately for me, my supervisor doesn't know I'm alive. My responsibilities seem to have been passed to her subordiante, who also doesn't know I'm alive. So, right now, instead of dulling my very tight nerves with data entry, I am more in tuned with what is going on in my personal life, because I have no distraction (now that I have said this, I know that once they "get" me, it will be a wrap).
Reminds me of that famous saying: be careful what you wish for...
The last time I got what I wished for, I ended up with BD. At the time, I used to love the series Soul Food, and was in love with Lem, THE CHARACTER. I specify this because when I say Lem, SOMEBODY always comes with "but he's gay!" As if I can't love gay men, but I digress...
Lem represented Black male strength for me at that time. He loved his wife and family and went hard for them, he was the dude Jill Scott was talking about when she said " you put your good foot down to make your soul the winner" in A Long Walk. (and YES, I quote Jill frequently because I FEEL her and her words...sometimes I feel like we think alike...) I watched that show and I wanted a Lem. A dude who wasn't perfect, but aimed for perfection. A man whose errors were almost cool because you could see they were made with the best interests of loved ones at heart.
Enter BD.
He was all that, PLUS I knew him from high school (at that point I thought there was safety in history. Now I know better). We used to talk, and share our lives, and for a while, he made me feel like I was the only woman alive. Like I was the most important person in his world. He loved me, I loved him, life was good. Fuck that...great.
Then the tide turned somehow, and we never did get it back to that special place where everything was bearable because we were together. At one point, we had the kind of love that isolates you from the storm, that makes you look forward to the "shelter of the single bed" Bob Marley talked about in "Is this Love?"
In order to not go crazy, to not question so many of the moments we shared, to stop crying myself to sleep, shiiit....to sleep period, I have to remind myself that you really DO have to be careful what you wish for. I wished for love and a lover, and got it. Did it last? Clearly not. However, it lives on in some capacity when I look in my son's eyes.
I was careful about what I asked for. In return, I received so much more. I got my son, and life experience. Despite all the drama, I'm grateful to BD for giving me the experience. For being my partner in growth and change. For my boy. For teaching me more about life and love and loss than I ever expected to know. I know now that asking for something also means being prepared to get more than what you asked for.
They done seen me now.... I have data to enter...;0)
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
My baby is BAAAACK!!!!!
My baby is back. I missed him. He is the apple of my eye, the center of my universe. I am awed and inspired by him. He is the funniest person I know, and in three short years, has led me to feel more emotions than I ever knew possible. He is, quite simply, the best thing that ever happened to me.
And his dad is tryna fuck up our flow.
Nine months ago, his dad told me he was seeing another woman, and devastated me. I had no money, no where to go. He told me he wanted me to leave, called me everything but a child of God, and after 3 months of humiliation, self pity, and being played, I found a spot to move with my son. I found a roomie on Craigslist to help with the rent, and somehow, through the grace of God and awesome friends (there is a place for you in heaven, Nake...believe me), things clicked.
I never filed for child support or custody, because I thought we were above that. I thought we could be a couple whose relationship could rise about that. I guess it was too much to ask for a man who told me his side chick wasn't full of shit "like some people" to treat me with respect.
I fucking tried to get along with him. I really did.
Looked the other way when he would roll up and criticize what we do HERE. Said nothing when he came here and caused a scene. Didn't do shit while he lived his life. He got it all - apt., he didn't have to move, the dog (ok - I didn't want the dog), football when he wanted, new chick....
But I had our boy. Who I still shared freely because I believe that children should not be victims of their parent's decisions.
I said no once - to football camp. A four day trip to a place he couldn't tell me where it was, when my baby was coming off a bad cold (which he got at football practice), and she was gonna be there. I know that's not cool, but I was not about to allow my baby to go get sick in nobody's woods, with HER. THAT BITCH. (cause I haven't forgotten your punk ass, bitch,and karma is gon' visit your ugly ass soon)
So, this weekend baby daddy (BD) takes Sen. On Friday morning, I leave them here because I have to get to work by 9. He dresses Sen, takes him to daycare, picks him up. Said he might drop him off Friday night, never called or came. Ok, no beef. Saturday comes, he calls me when he is supposed to bring Sen back, and says that he wants Sen to spend the night @ his mom's because there is a game on Sunday at 10am, and the game is right by his mom's house, so it's convenient, and Sen can go to the game. Ok, no problem. He says he will bring Sen on Sunday.
Sunday, by 2pm, I'm wondering where the fuck my son is. I call, and BD is now saying that he wants to keep Sen another night. Ummm...no. Bring my son back. Instead of arguing, I tell him I will call him later in the afternoon, after they visit with his mom. I leave to pay the rent,and when I get downtown, BD calls me. Starts this convo by asking me why Sen has a bruise on his shoulder. (He does????) Says that Sen said I hit him. He did?!?! On his shoulder? Now don't get me wrong - I spank. ALWAYS on the butt/legs. Even crazier than that is the fact that you have had Sen since Friday morning, and this is JUST NOW coming up?
Seriously?
So, I'm in Starbucks, waiting for the landlord, trying HARD not to raise my voice, while his trick ass is yelling at me, talking about how he is tired of having t ask me to see Sen, and how he is keeping him for another night. WTF?!?!?!
THEN, he tells me he will see me in court, and hangs up.
This morning, I am in a meeting, and the phone rings. I see it's BD, and excuse myself, but the reception is bad in the bldg. I call back an hour later, and he's like "it's too late". Ummm...for what?!?!? I'm thinking something happened to my boy. This fucker is gonna tell me that he went to court and filed for custody of my boy, and that his cal to me was his last effort to come to an agreement. It wasn't even an hour later I called him back. Again, this man has devastated me, but this time, I ain't taking this shit with all the tears and fear from before. Fuck that. This is the one thing I have worth fighting for, so if a fight he wants, a fight he will get.
And his dad is tryna fuck up our flow.
Nine months ago, his dad told me he was seeing another woman, and devastated me. I had no money, no where to go. He told me he wanted me to leave, called me everything but a child of God, and after 3 months of humiliation, self pity, and being played, I found a spot to move with my son. I found a roomie on Craigslist to help with the rent, and somehow, through the grace of God and awesome friends (there is a place for you in heaven, Nake...believe me), things clicked.
I never filed for child support or custody, because I thought we were above that. I thought we could be a couple whose relationship could rise about that. I guess it was too much to ask for a man who told me his side chick wasn't full of shit "like some people" to treat me with respect.
I fucking tried to get along with him. I really did.
Looked the other way when he would roll up and criticize what we do HERE. Said nothing when he came here and caused a scene. Didn't do shit while he lived his life. He got it all - apt., he didn't have to move, the dog (ok - I didn't want the dog), football when he wanted, new chick....
But I had our boy. Who I still shared freely because I believe that children should not be victims of their parent's decisions.
I said no once - to football camp. A four day trip to a place he couldn't tell me where it was, when my baby was coming off a bad cold (which he got at football practice), and she was gonna be there. I know that's not cool, but I was not about to allow my baby to go get sick in nobody's woods, with HER. THAT BITCH. (cause I haven't forgotten your punk ass, bitch,and karma is gon' visit your ugly ass soon)
So, this weekend baby daddy (BD) takes Sen. On Friday morning, I leave them here because I have to get to work by 9. He dresses Sen, takes him to daycare, picks him up. Said he might drop him off Friday night, never called or came. Ok, no beef. Saturday comes, he calls me when he is supposed to bring Sen back, and says that he wants Sen to spend the night @ his mom's because there is a game on Sunday at 10am, and the game is right by his mom's house, so it's convenient, and Sen can go to the game. Ok, no problem. He says he will bring Sen on Sunday.
Sunday, by 2pm, I'm wondering where the fuck my son is. I call, and BD is now saying that he wants to keep Sen another night. Ummm...no. Bring my son back. Instead of arguing, I tell him I will call him later in the afternoon, after they visit with his mom. I leave to pay the rent,and when I get downtown, BD calls me. Starts this convo by asking me why Sen has a bruise on his shoulder. (He does????) Says that Sen said I hit him. He did?!?! On his shoulder? Now don't get me wrong - I spank. ALWAYS on the butt/legs. Even crazier than that is the fact that you have had Sen since Friday morning, and this is JUST NOW coming up?
Seriously?
So, I'm in Starbucks, waiting for the landlord, trying HARD not to raise my voice, while his trick ass is yelling at me, talking about how he is tired of having t ask me to see Sen, and how he is keeping him for another night. WTF?!?!?!
THEN, he tells me he will see me in court, and hangs up.
This morning, I am in a meeting, and the phone rings. I see it's BD, and excuse myself, but the reception is bad in the bldg. I call back an hour later, and he's like "it's too late". Ummm...for what?!?!? I'm thinking something happened to my boy. This fucker is gonna tell me that he went to court and filed for custody of my boy, and that his cal to me was his last effort to come to an agreement. It wasn't even an hour later I called him back. Again, this man has devastated me, but this time, I ain't taking this shit with all the tears and fear from before. Fuck that. This is the one thing I have worth fighting for, so if a fight he wants, a fight he will get.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sex...on my mind...all the time....
Ok, I'm back, but I need to table the sex convo for a minute. I have some new shit to get off my damned mind....
I fell off again....
I know, I know.
Clearly, that is fault number 3478. Like mi mami says "pongo el sombrero donde no alcanso". Meaning, I stay biting off more than I can chew. I REALLY thought the 30 blog posts in 30 days was gonna be a possbility, but I need to wake up and smell the cappucino - ok, Cafe Bustelo, given where I live and who I am - this is a LOT.
Still, while I am off frontin on writing, I am somewhere living. I REALLY want to say living life like it's golden, but ummm..... not so much.
I had an interview yesterday. In Queens. Went ok, but the woman who would be my supervisor scared me, and I felt like "tread carefully, E."Something about her made me feel as if our relationship would either be great or REALLY bad. Hmm... Let's see if they cal me back....
Sen'ari was picked up by his dad, and they went to the movies. Should I be annoyed that his dad can't seem to do anything with JUST Sen, except take him to daycare? Each time he takes him, they end up at the mobvies with the new chick and her son. That really bothers me.
Still, this is the fearless act: I am accepting of it (really I am), and don't say anything to him about it. Each time it stings a bit less.
Yes, it hurts like hell, but I know I am not the only woman who has experienced this kind of pain, and each day, I marvel that I'm still standing, so....
Lemme deal with this shit, and move on. And pay the rent. No matter what, that has to happen.
Clearly, that is fault number 3478. Like mi mami says "pongo el sombrero donde no alcanso". Meaning, I stay biting off more than I can chew. I REALLY thought the 30 blog posts in 30 days was gonna be a possbility, but I need to wake up and smell the cappucino - ok, Cafe Bustelo, given where I live and who I am - this is a LOT.
Still, while I am off frontin on writing, I am somewhere living. I REALLY want to say living life like it's golden, but ummm..... not so much.
I had an interview yesterday. In Queens. Went ok, but the woman who would be my supervisor scared me, and I felt like "tread carefully, E."Something about her made me feel as if our relationship would either be great or REALLY bad. Hmm... Let's see if they cal me back....
Sen'ari was picked up by his dad, and they went to the movies. Should I be annoyed that his dad can't seem to do anything with JUST Sen, except take him to daycare? Each time he takes him, they end up at the mobvies with the new chick and her son. That really bothers me.
Still, this is the fearless act: I am accepting of it (really I am), and don't say anything to him about it. Each time it stings a bit less.
Yes, it hurts like hell, but I know I am not the only woman who has experienced this kind of pain, and each day, I marvel that I'm still standing, so....
Lemme deal with this shit, and move on. And pay the rent. No matter what, that has to happen.
Monday, September 1, 2008
What about your FRIENDS?!?!?! (Pt.1)
Ok, I know. I was supposed to be blogging 30 times and 30 days, and I fucked up. I missed not 1, but 2 days!
WTF?!?!?!
On a positive note, my baby is back (he spent the weekend @ Grandpa's), and I was out doing stuff so I could have shit to talk about.
On Saturday, Nake invited me to a dinner her aunt Diane was hosting at this spot called Churrasceria Plataforma. I got there, in my .99cent flip flops,and immediately felt like a loser. I should have at least changed into my $10 flats. (you ever have that feeling?) Still, I plowed on, was led to that table, (and a group of 14!), and after watching folks in awe, proceeded to have enough meat to feed Woodside, Queens. (don't know why I chose Woodside, but I ate a lot - do you get THAT?!?!?)
So, after Nake texts me that she got me on the meal (GOOD LOOKIN', NAKE!!!), cause I don't know WTF is going on up in here, and neither did she, I stop saying no to the waiters who keep coming up and asking me if I want to try a piece of flank steak, or some sausage, and start to EAT. Alls I can say is thank goodness I did not wear my girdle or any restrictive stuff, cause lawd have mercy! I felt my arteries clogging as I ate, and was like "fuck living long..I'm eating, bitches!" I should have enjoyed the meal more, because then...
the bill came.
Shit was 1345 dollars. And some cents.
I'm sure some folks will be like "that's all?" Not me. That is rent.
So after the bill is paid, with more "that's my mortgage, son!" type comments, Nake and I bid adieu to the group, and we go downtown to meet with Shandalu, my roomie at Temple University. Shanda and her Bff, Poo, are in the city to hang out, and as I haven't seen Shan in a few years, I am excited.
We meet up with her at a bar near the Hotel Gaansevort, and she is with Poo, and two white chicks, R and E. R is an old friend of theirs, and E is a friend of R's. I won't bore with all the details, but suffice to say Nake and I were entertained by the antics of Shan and her girls, and really made me think about the friendships I have vs. the friendships other folks have.
My friends WIN! All the time, hands down!
Afterward, Nake and I were discussing the fact that we would not be Natalie Holloway-ed (google it), because we don't do that. Never have, after 15 years of going to the club together, have I EVER left my girls to leave with some dude, ESPECIALLY one I just met. Maybe my man, and he would take my girls home too. Seems to me that all squads don't have the same rules.
Gave me lots of food for thought, and for say, the 1millionth time, made me reflect on how blessed I am to have friends who have my back. (even when I am extra crazy, which is often)
Sunday, I go to a friend's bbq. This is the "punk ass" friend I referred to in an earlier post. The one who hurt my feelings. Clearly, we made up...kinda. I'm still kind of annoyed, but missing talking to him more than being annoyed at this point.
Nake, G ,big booty T, and I went to the bbq. On the way there,I started getting MAJOR cramps. Uh-oh...Please don't come, period. I am usually glad to see it (a sista is irregular), but I did not want it to put a damper on my fun, so I was hoping the cramps were the calm before the storm.
On the way, drinking mojitos and talking shit, I started to feel a bit worried. I was so busy being annoyed with my boy that it hadn't occured to me that he could be annoyed with me for being annoyed with him. What is he acted stank? It WAS a possibility.
(insert fearless act here: I STILL went, even though I was nervous about how he would react)
Luckily, he didn't.
Gave me a big hug, and I felt welcome. Chatted with some of his boys, one of whom is attracted to Nake, (even though he said nothing to her), and one who I just met, but who I liked (he seemed nice), and he was ca-yute! LOL!
After a few Henny and Cokes (what made me drink that? Who knows - I needed something strong to fight the cramps), I was feeling no pain. On the line to the bathroom, this young'in tells me I remind him of "that girl in the movie with Beyonce and the 3 girls". I had no effin idea what he was talking abount, until the ca-yute friend says "dreamgirls?" He meant Jennifer Hudson.
I get that isht sometimes. Jennifer Hudson, Jill Scott... Dude proceeds to tell me that he likes "thick, natural girls". Too bad he was like 21, cause the way I been feelin lately, I would make that boy put his strong, young back to good use! ;0),
Soon, it was time to go. On my way out, telling my boy we were leaving, one of his assistant coaches grabs my hand, calls me "big green" (umm... my dress was teal, and "big green"? FUCK you, bum bitch), and is talking shit in my ear. I had to ask my boy to rescue me. During the rescue, the youngbuck is like "you're leaving?" I had 20 seconds of feeling like THE SHIT!!!! LMAO!
(even if they were both wack. As attention deprived as I am, I enjoyed the moment) We go back to BK, were dropped off at Nake's, where Nake and I had a nice convo about men and how we don't understand them.
I love my BFF. She understands how my mind works, and STILL LOVES ME! LMAO!
I forgot to mention that my boy, P, had asked me to bring some condoms for his nephew who is off to college. (go ahead,M!!!!) So, I bring a baggie of different types of condoms, do a hand off to P in the middle of the cha cha slide, and he immediately gives it to the nephew. He introduced me to the boy, and I was kind of embarrased! Do I need to be knows as "the condom pusher"? Still, safe sex is the best sex, so M, use the condoms wisely and well. Live long, fuck well, and prosper, young brother!
Today, the GP's drop my baby off, and we go to have some steamed fish and sit in the park. At the end, they come in to pee, and see an assortment of condoms on my damned table. (Stupid me forgot to put them back in the bag) I felt compelled to explain why I had so many condoms, and I KNOW I looked stupid when I tried to explain. UGH!
Fuck it! But still... I don't even get any! (well, I get some, but not nearly enough - another story for another time, but if anyone knows someone...HOLLA!)
Sometimes, there is no way to clean some shit up...... Everybody haaates Eve....
WTF?!?!?!
On a positive note, my baby is back (he spent the weekend @ Grandpa's), and I was out doing stuff so I could have shit to talk about.
On Saturday, Nake invited me to a dinner her aunt Diane was hosting at this spot called Churrasceria Plataforma. I got there, in my .99cent flip flops,and immediately felt like a loser. I should have at least changed into my $10 flats. (you ever have that feeling?) Still, I plowed on, was led to that table, (and a group of 14!), and after watching folks in awe, proceeded to have enough meat to feed Woodside, Queens. (don't know why I chose Woodside, but I ate a lot - do you get THAT?!?!?)
So, after Nake texts me that she got me on the meal (GOOD LOOKIN', NAKE!!!), cause I don't know WTF is going on up in here, and neither did she, I stop saying no to the waiters who keep coming up and asking me if I want to try a piece of flank steak, or some sausage, and start to EAT. Alls I can say is thank goodness I did not wear my girdle or any restrictive stuff, cause lawd have mercy! I felt my arteries clogging as I ate, and was like "fuck living long..I'm eating, bitches!" I should have enjoyed the meal more, because then...
the bill came.
Shit was 1345 dollars. And some cents.
I'm sure some folks will be like "that's all?" Not me. That is rent.
So after the bill is paid, with more "that's my mortgage, son!" type comments, Nake and I bid adieu to the group, and we go downtown to meet with Shandalu, my roomie at Temple University. Shanda and her Bff, Poo, are in the city to hang out, and as I haven't seen Shan in a few years, I am excited.
We meet up with her at a bar near the Hotel Gaansevort, and she is with Poo, and two white chicks, R and E. R is an old friend of theirs, and E is a friend of R's. I won't bore with all the details, but suffice to say Nake and I were entertained by the antics of Shan and her girls, and really made me think about the friendships I have vs. the friendships other folks have.
My friends WIN! All the time, hands down!
Afterward, Nake and I were discussing the fact that we would not be Natalie Holloway-ed (google it), because we don't do that. Never have, after 15 years of going to the club together, have I EVER left my girls to leave with some dude, ESPECIALLY one I just met. Maybe my man, and he would take my girls home too. Seems to me that all squads don't have the same rules.
Gave me lots of food for thought, and for say, the 1millionth time, made me reflect on how blessed I am to have friends who have my back. (even when I am extra crazy, which is often)
Sunday, I go to a friend's bbq. This is the "punk ass" friend I referred to in an earlier post. The one who hurt my feelings. Clearly, we made up...kinda. I'm still kind of annoyed, but missing talking to him more than being annoyed at this point.
Nake, G ,big booty T, and I went to the bbq. On the way there,I started getting MAJOR cramps. Uh-oh...Please don't come, period. I am usually glad to see it (a sista is irregular), but I did not want it to put a damper on my fun, so I was hoping the cramps were the calm before the storm.
On the way, drinking mojitos and talking shit, I started to feel a bit worried. I was so busy being annoyed with my boy that it hadn't occured to me that he could be annoyed with me for being annoyed with him. What is he acted stank? It WAS a possibility.
(insert fearless act here: I STILL went, even though I was nervous about how he would react)
Luckily, he didn't.
Gave me a big hug, and I felt welcome. Chatted with some of his boys, one of whom is attracted to Nake, (even though he said nothing to her), and one who I just met, but who I liked (he seemed nice), and he was ca-yute! LOL!
After a few Henny and Cokes (what made me drink that? Who knows - I needed something strong to fight the cramps), I was feeling no pain. On the line to the bathroom, this young'in tells me I remind him of "that girl in the movie with Beyonce and the 3 girls". I had no effin idea what he was talking abount, until the ca-yute friend says "dreamgirls?" He meant Jennifer Hudson.
I get that isht sometimes. Jennifer Hudson, Jill Scott... Dude proceeds to tell me that he likes "thick, natural girls". Too bad he was like 21, cause the way I been feelin lately, I would make that boy put his strong, young back to good use! ;0),
Soon, it was time to go. On my way out, telling my boy we were leaving, one of his assistant coaches grabs my hand, calls me "big green" (umm... my dress was teal, and "big green"? FUCK you, bum bitch), and is talking shit in my ear. I had to ask my boy to rescue me. During the rescue, the youngbuck is like "you're leaving?" I had 20 seconds of feeling like THE SHIT!!!! LMAO!
(even if they were both wack. As attention deprived as I am, I enjoyed the moment) We go back to BK, were dropped off at Nake's, where Nake and I had a nice convo about men and how we don't understand them.
I love my BFF. She understands how my mind works, and STILL LOVES ME! LMAO!
I forgot to mention that my boy, P, had asked me to bring some condoms for his nephew who is off to college. (go ahead,M!!!!) So, I bring a baggie of different types of condoms, do a hand off to P in the middle of the cha cha slide, and he immediately gives it to the nephew. He introduced me to the boy, and I was kind of embarrased! Do I need to be knows as "the condom pusher"? Still, safe sex is the best sex, so M, use the condoms wisely and well. Live long, fuck well, and prosper, young brother!
Today, the GP's drop my baby off, and we go to have some steamed fish and sit in the park. At the end, they come in to pee, and see an assortment of condoms on my damned table. (Stupid me forgot to put them back in the bag) I felt compelled to explain why I had so many condoms, and I KNOW I looked stupid when I tried to explain. UGH!
Fuck it! But still... I don't even get any! (well, I get some, but not nearly enough - another story for another time, but if anyone knows someone...HOLLA!)
Sometimes, there is no way to clean some shit up...... Everybody haaates Eve....
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