Be careful what you ask for....

So...For those that know me, they know that I am frequently referred to as "Tommy", as in the character from MARTIN who "didn't have no job...". I like doing work that requires a lot of effort for a little bit of time. I like starting new programs, and being able to to move on once a program is established.

Being still is hard for me.

I like energy, making plans and seeing how they work... I love newness.

As a result, I haven't had one full-time job in years (have had 2 or 3 p/t and consultant gigs and stayed busy, but not 1). At least not one that required me to sit somewhere for the day, looking @ the computer screen... and I was jealous of folks who had that.

With all the isht going on in my life, I wanted a job that would not require me to think of anything new. I want systems in place, I want to log in and start doing what I need to do for the day, I want to pick up my tote at 5pm, say bye to the person in the next cube, and go pick up my son.

Or so I thought.

I am doing a temp project at a hospital, and fortunately AND unfortunately for me, my supervisor doesn't know I'm alive. My responsibilities seem to have been passed to her subordiante, who also doesn't know I'm alive. So, right now, instead of dulling my very tight nerves with data entry, I am more in tuned with what is going on in my personal life, because I have no distraction (now that I have said this, I know that once they "get" me, it will be a wrap).

Reminds me of that famous saying: be careful what you wish for...

The last time I got what I wished for, I ended up with BD. At the time, I used to love the series Soul Food, and was in love with Lem, THE CHARACTER. I specify this because when I say Lem, SOMEBODY always comes with "but he's gay!" As if I can't love gay men, but I digress...

Lem represented Black male strength for me at that time. He loved his wife and family and went hard for them, he was the dude Jill Scott was talking about when she said " you put your good foot down to make your soul the winner" in A Long Walk. (and YES, I quote Jill frequently because I FEEL her and her words...sometimes I feel like we think alike...) I watched that show and I wanted a Lem. A dude who wasn't perfect, but aimed for perfection. A man whose errors were almost cool because you could see they were made with the best interests of loved ones at heart.

Enter BD.

He was all that, PLUS I knew him from high school (at that point I thought there was safety in history. Now I know better). We used to talk, and share our lives, and for a while, he made me feel like I was the only woman alive. Like I was the most important person in his world. He loved me, I loved him, life was good. Fuck that...great.

Then the tide turned somehow, and we never did get it back to that special place where everything was bearable because we were together. At one point, we had the kind of love that isolates you from the storm, that makes you look forward to the "shelter of the single bed" Bob Marley talked about in "Is this Love?"

In order to not go crazy, to not question so many of the moments we shared, to stop crying myself to sleep, shiiit....to sleep period, I have to remind myself that you really DO have to be careful what you wish for. I wished for love and a lover, and got it. Did it last? Clearly not. However, it lives on in some capacity when I look in my son's eyes.

I was careful about what I asked for. In return, I received so much more. I got my son, and life experience. Despite all the drama, I'm grateful to BD for giving me the experience. For being my partner in growth and change. For my boy. For teaching me more about life and love and loss than I ever expected to know. I know now that asking for something also means being prepared to get more than what you asked for.

They done seen me now.... I have data to enter...;0)