After the decision to bounce was made....

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Esta Vida Loca!

So, I have been crying, sleepless, tired, experienced a loss of appetite, and experienced my appetite returning (PMS is a BITCH!). I have come to grips with the fact that my baby daddy has a new chick, that I am still in love with him, and that they are seeking a third party for threesomes. I confronted BD about this, and he had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to join them.Ummm....Seriously?????WTF?!?!??!?!!?!?!?

I have learned some life lessons, and as I discover them, I will be sharing, so here goes.

1. Life will show you just how far you can go on "E".
You know how you learn your car can go 13.7 miles on "E"? By using all your gas and being stuck. If you are one of those people who will never discover that, awesome. For the rest of us, adversity lets us know just how much we can deal with. In the last month, I have cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. I have seen the sun rise and set repeatedly without catching a wink of sleep, and have allowed days to go by without eating a thing. This from a woman who used to pride herself on "never missing sleep, a meal, or crying over a man".
Riiiight....I have learned. There were days that the pain would literally collapse me and I would break out in sobs from the hurt, the pain, embarrasment, failure, all around devastation of this situation.

2. First you deal, then you heal (especially when you have kids)
If you are like me, you cannot begin to heal being right up on the person that caused you pain. You are consumed with them, what they are doing, where they are, what you are doing, why you are where you are while they are where they are. No good for anyone. You gotta DEAL, first. Assess the situation like, WTF do I NEED to do? When it seems too hard to get up and floss because no one will be there to admire your pearly whites (or not so pearly whites, in my case), that is when you need to get your ass up and floss the MOST.
When all you wanna do is lay up in your bed, listen to Brian McKnight, and eat caramel cone ice cream, DO THAT. (Didn't think I would say that, did ya? Well, that is a form of healing!) Allow yourself a minute to deal with the immediate situation, give yourself a moment to wallow, then get right up outta that. Your kid(s) need you to be a stabilizing force for them, and you need to feel capable again. The trick is in not allowing this feeling to impact your entire life. Otherwise, your work will suffer, your other relationships will suffer, YOU will suffer.

Being dumped is a different kinda animal. It makes you feel inadequate, and the reason why someone is leaving you is that somehow, somewhere, you didn't meet their needs/wants. That realization hurts. LIKE HELL. It will make you doubt your capabilities, your looks, your attractiveness, who you are, what you bring to the table.

The goal is to not allow someone control what YOU think of yourself. I struggle with that right now, but I also know that when I ponder too long on what HE (not the man upstairs He, but my baby daddy HE) thinks, I am on a downward spiral. As my BFF told me the other night, it's almst as if I am blaming myself for his actions, and that is not fair to myself either. *deep sigh*

Life is hard right now, but I'm taking things one day at a time. It's all I can do. Hold on folks, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!