Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Year, Same Isht...
As I sit back, relax, think a sec, drink a Becks (shout out to Biggie), I realize that ain't a damned thing changed in 4 months.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
I had actually been avoiding reading my journal because I knew it would make me feel like shit. What I do know is that sometimes, you know the answer, and you are still powerless to answer the call.I know what I need to do. But I am afraid. There. I said it. I am afraid to be living on my own, afraid I will make the same mistakes I made before, afraid my son will hate me in 10 years, come to me with some "you made my dad leave us" shit.
The craziest part is that if I were listening to my story, I'd be all like "leave him, girl! You can do bad all by yourself."The relationship is at the point that my absence would not be noted. Seriously. Ole boy says he's stepping out for a bit at 4pm, and returns the next morning.
Months ago, we had an argument, and I told my son I was gonna get him a real daddy. Now, my baby daddy uses my words and says that he leaves because he hates that I said that and he can't get over it. He asks why I'm mad that he just leaves and doesn't call to ask about Sen until midnight, when he knows Sen will be asleep. *deep sigh*
Right now, I am underemployed and over extended. My fondest wish is to just fly away. Seriously. Just grab my son and leave everything else behind. I have nothing else of value. My confidence is so shot right now, I am in a state of shock at knowing I am a shell of my former self. This sounds like some crazy shit I heard a white chick say on Oprah, but it's true. I have Erykah Badu's "Green Eyes" on repeat right now. I have all this pent up emotion, and I am praying for help from God to channel it in a positive way. The way I feel right now, I either explode in anger or bust out crying if I think about this situation for too long, and I have all the time in the world .
I am determined to make this year different. I MUST get out of this funk and rediscover myself and my capabilities. I'm real lost right now, and the time has come to stop being pissy about the shit I cannot change, and DO SOMETHING about this fucked up life.
I will be writing more frequently now, just to get some things off my chest. I have to say - this is really therapeutic. It satisfies my inner exhibitionist (cause I'm letting folks know A LOT of my business), as well as being a safer release than breaking shit I can't afford to replace.
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