A year ago.....

I can't sleep.

I need to express myself right now, need to get some shit outta me, and since there is no one to talk to at 6:46am, I express the pain, the confusion, the rage, the hurt.Back in the day, I would write about how I would sweat out his scent, the cologne mixed with weed, mixed with the sex we just had. I would tell the paper all about how I would sweat on the train and his scent would flow from my pores, and how it was all I could do to not get back on the train and into his arms. It was a release then. I need release now. C is seeing someone else. Otra occupa mi lugar. Voy a rifar mi corazon. (another takes my place. I will sell my heart)

When I was a little girl, my sister had this on the wall. I never understood what it meant, never thought I would want to sell my heart, no matter what. Until now. I have moments where I am really rational. I understand that every situation has a winner and a loser, and in this one, I have a big ole "L" on my forehead. I remind myself to be grateful for him, for without him there is no Sen'ari, and what would I be without my boy?

The question is: WHERE THE FUCK AM I NOW?????

I feel like I'm floating from emotion to emotion with no understanding of how I got anywhere. I don't know SHIT right now, I find myself double and triple guessing myslef, feeling as if everything I do is wrong and not knowing where to turn. I miss my mami.I wish I had a place to go where I could grab my son and run and hide, get my mind right. But I don't. I have his 4 walls in his apt. I think about him while I walk his dog, wonder where the fuck he is while I'm stuck caring for it, looking for a job on his computer, watching his TV on his cable. (At least I pay the bill) I am suffocated by his energy, his presence. I wish I would have known how much my desire to be with him would cloud my judgement. What would I do differently?So many questions.

From the ones I don't REALLY wanna know the answer to, like "where were you last night?" to the ones I need answer for myself like "what MORE does he need to tell you to get it through your THICK skull that he don't want you, stupid?!?!?!?!" I have made my decision, and while it's the one right thing I've done, it's the one thing I want to be so wrong about.

I want him to get on his knee and propose.
I want him to say I am his sunshine, his air.
I want him to want to be my man forever, and protect us, and be like Bob Marley sang in "Is this Love": I want the shelter of his single bed.
I want him to say my arms, my breasts, my lips are where he finds solace in this cruel world, and turn to me for comfort.
I want him to want me and only me.
I want to have more of his babies.

But he doesn't want me. He says he has no piece of mind with me, that I have changed for the worse in the duration of the relationship. He says SHE ain't full of shit like SOME PEOPLE. Makes me feel like shit. Makes me want to run and hide in a corner and lick my wounds and cry. Makes me feel fat and stupid, and ugly and useless. And lonely. I'm fighting so hard against succumbing to the numbing depression that comes with breaking up with someone. I'm waiting on anger.

The anger that gets you so riled up you wanna fuck a nigga up, key his car, break shit. The past 4 years have been a waiting game. I waited to fall in love, to have my son, to receive the proposal that never came. Now, I need to make the moves that will lead to my peace of mind, and I'm so scared. I need to be strong, I know, but the strength is not coming like I thought it would.

I sit here, and I wait.