Back to life.... Back to (Present) Reality....

So there ya have it: Some of what happened to force me to evolve. It wasn't really my choice. I had to start running, or continue to get run over. Now, don't get me wrong: My son's dad is not the world's most awful person, and I am not perfect. I did tell him a few things that really got under his skin, and was probably a pain in the ass sometimes. Ok, definitely.

Yeah, that is my attempt at being fair to him. I have to see him waaay more that is comfortable, and I work REALLY hard at being chill. Sometimes, though, like today - he gets me so fucking worked up....OOOH!

I don't know why I'm thinking about our recent past, but I am... So here's more of my herstory....
When he asked/demanded that I move, I was so shocked and broke I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had no one. I lived/worked in the Bx, and my closest advocate lived in Bk. We had done this before, the whole "get out/i'm leaving" thing, and I told myself that if I left again, I wasn't coming back. We had left him, and I commuted with the baby back and forth from Bk to the South Bronx. NOT fun. I was exhausted, and so tired, after 3 days I asked to return. (I should have known then that shit wouldn't last, right?)

I'm terrible with money. Mind you, I am a certified, (and yes, I have one of those bullshit certifications - well, several of them...LOL!) financial literacy trainer. So that makes it worse because I know what to do, but don't. Still, I am no fashionista, Gucci wearing broad, so my money is not on my back, and say what you want, not at anyone's expense, either.

Suffice to say that since I found out right after the holidays that C was seeing that bitch (she will ALWAYS be "that bitch" to me), I was pretty broke. I had just finished buying gifts for his family, and there is a trailer load (shout to Shabba Ranks) of them. Seriously.

He admits that he is fucking HER, and wants me to move. Wooow.... Ok... Except had no money. No savings. No rich uncle, no mom nearby... His dad and stepmom offered to let me stay, and ummm.... NOT! See, he had taken to insulting me because he knew I didn't have anything, and to go to his fam would have proved him entirely too right. I wanted, maybe even needed to go, but I was too proud.

Pride. Humph... At that time, my pride was taking the world's worst beating. EVERYBODY knew that he was seeing this chick. The same chick who friended me on myspace, commented on my pic with him saying how we looked great together, and the NEXT DAY sent him a message with the lyrics to that Fantasia song "When I see you". I had complained to C, and he said I ws insecure, that she was cool, took her word over mine.

Thinking about it right now makes me upset, but it's on my mind, so..... I continue with this flashback....

So now I gotta start looking for a crib. But first, I need more money. So I ask for more work the gig, and look for a place. After seeing about 25 apts., I find one I like. No - love. It was in the Bx, where I was willing to stay because I want my son to be close with his dad, and he is close to his dad's family. It was a long term sublet, and the renter was single mom who was moving to Florida. The building was clean, had an elevator (which was MUCH better than the 5 floor walkup I had been living in with C), and the space was large enough to give Sen'ari his room, and make a studio space out of the living room. The girl is charming, her kid is sweet, and I am popping my collar because I'm hoping that only 6 weeks after I found out officially that I was being played, I am moving on with my life.

Go me!

To add to the success story, she is willing to take the deposit in two parts. WOOOORD?!?!?!? Awwww...shit! I'm FLOATING down the street. Packing shit in my mind..Life is sooo good. My girls are like "wow, Eve". I'm looking for daycare, thinking about how short my commute will be. So I give ole girl a deposit of $800 to show I'm serious about moving, and soon. I'm selling jewelry to come up with the rest of the loot, and desperate enough to consider turning a trick (or 2), because when I say I needed to get OUT of C's crib...I ain't lyin.

And this bitch bounced with my loot.

Cause yeah: in my desperation I gave her cash. I trusted, stupidly. I sooo wanted this. I needed to move!

Can we say DEVASTATED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Now I'm completely destroyed. I have no new crib, and life at the old crib is just crumbling, deteriorating faster than I can even take. AND I HAVE NO LOOT!!!!! I have to start from scratch. I'm heartbroken, and broken. Emotionally, and financially.

I contemplated suicide more than once.

While all this is going on, I am watching C leave on his days off, go to her house, and not return for the night. I had kinda become used to it, when one day Sen tells me that while I was at work, ole girl came over, and they were all watching Norbit. WOOOORD?!?!?!?!?!?

Later that evening I'm on the comp, and I see that his Gmail is open. Fuck it - Imma admit it - I read his email. and because Gmail saves the chats, I saw where he would share info I shared with him: "Eve is coming home soon, so don't come over today". I would frequently smell weed when I came home, and would assume the baby was down for a nap (C was always making sure Sen had a nap) while he got his smoke on. Ok...I wasn't crazy about it, but oh well...a man needs stress relief in his home, right?

Until I realized that SHE was coming over to smoke with him!! Oh, HELLS NAW! This after one day he told me about a threesome episode they had while I was putting on mascara in the bathroom. At the time I thought I could stomach it, and said "ok" when he asked if I wanted to hear about what happened. So, I heard about her sexing the neighbor, him sexing her, him watching her sex the neighbor while stroking his dick...yeah...I heard it all. I saw the responses to the ads on Craigslist, and I began to get disgusted. With him, and with myself.

Because I still loved his fucking disgusting, possibly disease ridden ass.

But one thing I don't fuck with is disease. Now, I'll admit - he and I had sex VERY VERY early on in our relatonship, and the first time was unprotected. I was in shock that we had been so irresponsible, and right away, we had a battery of tests done, and shared them with each other. One of our early dates was to Duane Reade to get a whole bunch of birth control. In my stupid ass mind, I assumed that I was different. Because to me, he was. I thought I was special, that he didn't usually operate that way, that he would use a condom with ole girl.

Until he admitted that he didn't.

WOOOOORD?!?!?!?!?!?!

Ok, ummm....well... WOOOORD?!?!??!?!?!?

So operation "Eve get the fuck out" began again. In earnest. I had to save myself! So, I started stacking what little chips I could again, and resumed looking. At the end of March, I saw a nice crib in Harlem that I really liked. High ceilings, and an interesting neighborhood. I gave a deposit and got the keys.

A few days later, the check I gave the prospective landlord bounced.

On April 11th, the day after my bday, I gave him the money in cash. This time, I had the keys, and had already bounced a check, so I took a chance.

On April 19th, after telling C that I was moving the next day, I found movers on Craigslist who came and took most of our shit while he was at HER house. He came back to an emptier crib (I was nice and left a lot of stuff), the bed frame but no bed (LOL!), and no Sen'ari...no Eve.

I should have left the bed.

To this day, I have yet to sleep on it. It represents failure to me, broken promises, and truth be told, I really don't know what happened on it. But, I can't afford to replace it right now, and it's good to have for when company comes over.

So, now Sen and I are in a new space, making it do what it do.
In the process...Eve-o-lution.